For the longest time I felt like I needed to hear my ex husband tell me outright that he was cheating.
Part of me trusted that he would tell me the truth…
Actually, I didn’t trust him. If I am going to be completely honest, I hadn’t really trusted him since before we got married.
I’m going to be transparent here,
I am about to share details that I NEVER dreamt of sharing.
Before our wedding I was visiting my then fiancé and went to the home computer to type something up when I noticed that his email was left open…
Seriously, an open email?! C’mon! I had to read it.
Now you may read this and think, “Courtney, you were clearly looking for something, when you go snooping, you’re bound to find something…even if it’s really nothing!” To which I would say “You’re correct. However, if it’s nothing. Then it’ll be nothing, but if it’s something, IT IS SOMETHING!”
There in front of my 20/20 vision was a series of email exchanges between the man I was going to marry and some woman.
They discussed dates, hanging out, and general “flirt” talk. Clearly, it was inappropriate conversation for one who is betrothed to have with someone that they aren’t betrothed to.
I was mere months away from our wedding day. So much time, money, and energy had been invested (remember MY precious plans?) into the wedding of my dreams that I couldn’t bear canceling. I didn’t tell a soul. Not even my then fiancé. I knew somehow this would get turned back around on me, and instead of dealing with his inappropriate behavior we’d end up arguing about how I “violated his privacy” and how “if I didn’t trust him then we shouldn’t be together…”
And TRUST, he was not about to derail my marriage goals with that foolishness. We were getting married. I had invested too much time and energy into molding myself into someone he’d want to marry (cue Beyoncé’s Ring the Alarm!) so I zipped my lips and swept that under the rug.
*9 months after we were married I “found” some “I love you” texts on his phone…
(I know, I know…just roll with me here.)
I confronted him with the texts…and the emails that I “found” (and printed) the year before…
His response was exactly what I had anticipated with a twist. After I was scolded for going through his phone and emails. He told me that he had let a friend borrow his phone and the woman must have been communicating with his friend…?. Of course, there was a “logical explanation” for EVERYTHING.
*Then there was the time he was at dinner, in a quiet “romantic” local restaurant with a “marketing representative” for his office.
*And the time that he said he was in Ft. Myers “working” with his accountant. When he was actually in Clearwater spending the night at some apartment.
*There was the time when his “girlfriend” showed up at one of my family events to confront him. (That was straight out of a Tyler Perry play! I couldn’t have scripted that interaction better myself.)
*There was the time that he was out clubbing locally with a single friend and some women when he was spotted by someone very close to me in a “compromising situation.”
You get the picture right?? Seriously? I can’t believe I allowed myself to be subjected to such high levels of straight foolery.
I was just THAT committed to MY marriage.
I had convinced myself that this was the price I would have to pay to have the marriage that I wanted.
No relationship is perfect, right?
But is this the way God wanted me to be in the marriage He put together? Both of us lying, me tracking his phone, him carrying on outside relationships, neither of us happy, fulfilled, or enjoying each other (at least I wasn’t)?
I always said in my mind. “Unless he says he wants a divorce, I’m not giving him one.” So short of him telling me “I want a divorce.” We were staying together.
I think I needed to hear the words before I would actually believe it.
I needed my ex husband to admit to what he was doing. To come out and say that he was cheating and then to tell me exactly why he did it AND THEN to apologize and get MY marriage back on track in order for me to be satisfied.
So, I wrote all of this to share with you that while was desperately wanting the truth from my ex husband, God was revealing the truth (and my ex husband was revealing the truth with his actions but I refused to acknowledge it.)
Why is it that sometimes we desire an answer in truth from fallible man but don’t accept the truth from The infallible God?
When you encounter people who have certain “character flaws”, do you want them to change their character for YOU and ignore the “character flaws” that YOU need to change for GOD?
Lord, I thank you right now for revealing truth to me, even in situations where I didn’t accept it. I thank you for the ability to reflect and see through the choices that I and my ex husband made, your hand of protection in our lives. Lord forgive my disobedience, my faithlessness, and my complete rejection of Your will over my own. Lord I pray now, that you strengthen me. Keep showing me your plan for my life. Commune with me God, bless the person reading this post right now Lord. Release them from the need for confirmation from man. Help us to be satisfied and believe the truth when you reveal it. Help us to have the mind of Christ Lord. Continue to speak truth into ourlives. Bring people and allow circumstances that will shine a light on the blind spots in our lives and direct us all in the way of righteousness in our relationships. I no longer want to walk in blindness. Thank you for the Truth Father, and the courage and faith to act upon it with immediate obedience. I ask all of these things in Jesus’ name. Amen.
“He reveals mysteries from the darkness And brings the deep darkness into light.”
Job 12:22 NASB
“For they exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever. Amen.”
Romans 1:25 NASB
“”Remember the former things long past, For I am God, and there is no other; I am God, and there is no one like Me, Declaring the end from the beginning, And from ancient times things which have not been done, Saying, ‘My purpose will be established, And I will accomplish all My good pleasure’;”
Isaiah 46:9-10 NASB
#ClassIsAlwaysInSession #PayAttention #Truth #AlwaysStands #OnItsOwn #Confirmation #Peace #Growth #NotAGrayArea #Truth #OrLie #Choices #Conviction #Reflection #Repentance #DontServeSin #LoveJesusMore #WalkingInFaith #Singleness #Contentment #TrustingTruth #HashtagMinistry #PraiseGod #TeamJesus