Worry Wart

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So, here I sit.  Two months into the school year. Not teaching. Not in law school.  But situated AT the law school.

How in the world?

So after returning from Atlanta and snatching up the opportunity to go to my top choice law school (FOR FREE), I came back home and proceeded to wrack my brain, worry, cry, and lose about two weeks worth of sleep.  Why, might you ask?

Because apparently, I STILL don’t trust my Lord and Savior!

I know, *insert clutching of pearls, hand on chest, mouth agape gif* but if I don’t fess up to my own moments, days, or weeks of faithlessness, my own shame will eat me alive and keep me from sharing (and THAT ain’t gon’ happen!).

I know, I talk (or type) a reeeeal good game!

I have the nerve to have a mouth ready to praise when the blessing rains down and then look crazy when I can’t make sense of the next step to make.

So, back to me losing sleep.  I jumped at the chance to have a tuition-free law degree!  It’s been on my vision board for this year. I didn’t know how God was going to do it, but I knew if it could be done, my daddy wouldn’t withhold His will from me when the time was right.  So why, after I accept the offer was I worried about where I was going to work for this year?

I know I said I wasn’t worried, but I was still on my scholarship-high when I last posted so, really once I actually realized that I wouldn’t be in school AND I didn’t have a job lined up. I was looking crazy (I’m just being honest).

Do I go back to the classroom? Teach elementary? Find a job at a law firm? Just work part-time?  Not work at all? How will I be able to save? What about insurance? What about the books I purchased? How was I going to cover bills?

When I tell you, I LET my mind run me RAGGED! R-A-G-G-E-D! You hear me?

I started worrying about what people would think. I started thinking about what my students would say if I came back to teaching.  How will I explain what I’m doing? Will people think I’m a chicken? Will they think I’m a liar? What if after this year I decide that I don’t want to go to law school? What if I fail next year? What if this was my “LAST CHANCE” and I die before I can go to law school? (I know…really I was a self-created HOT MESS)

Then I started to dog myself out, hunny… OOOH WEE!

“What kind of mother/example are you?” Leaving a perfectly good job to run after some dream…AND NOW YOU’RE WAITING ANOTHER YEAR?

“That’s not smart Courtney! Not smart at ALL! ”

Did I tell you a mind is a terrible thing to waste?

But God!  Thank you for being a mind regulator and a peace beyond ALLLL understanding. I was worrying myself right up a wall!

I have to be transparent here about ALL the stuff I think about! Which reminds me that we are instructed to take thoughts captive in order to obey Christ. (2 Corinthians 10:5) Not the other way around!

I had a few offers for a job teaching…and then there was an hourly VERY FLEXIBLE job available at the law school.  No benefits and much less pay.

Which one should I take?

It’s only for a year.

I started to pray.  Real talk. Lord help me, I don’t want to make the wrong move.  To some it would have been an easy decision.  In my head I was saying “Take the MONEY. It’s only a year.  You can save more.  You won’t be worried about finances.  You’ll be able to finance law school.”

You.

You.

You.

STAAAAAAAAHP! (that’s meme speak for STOP)

I know that finances are my kryptonite.   I worry and subsequently try to control my finances to the point of obsession. So why not make my life easier and just take the job that helps put that part of me at ease, right?

WRONG.

This decision, for me, is about building my faith. Facing my fears. REALLY, TRULY, depending on God and His provision.

So I took the position that allowed more flexibility, less pay, and forced me to face a deeply rooted fear and rely on God and not me.

And God keeps making a way.  Sure, I’m not stacking coins like I was before, but I’m being relieved of the stress of that worry about finances.  It’s not going to make sense to some, and some days it still doesn’t make sense to me. But it’s about having faith.

Now, I’m not telling folks to leave their good paying, fulfilling career and take a job with no benefits and a significant pay cut UNLESS you are doing so to be obedient to The Lord! I AM saying have faith.

Trust God. You have absolutely NOTHING to lose.

Here are a few verses that remind me to trust Him:

Job 42:10, Numbers 14:7-9, Joshua 1:5, Romans 8:28, Jeremiah 29:11

-Courtney

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