SO…It’s been a lil’ minute

(But really it hasn’t because I’ve had at least 6 drafts saved on WordPress since FOREVER…)

Anyway, (by the way that reminds me of a peeve of mine…when people say “anyway”)

Especially during conversation…it sounds (and IS) so dismissive!!! GRRR but more on what “grinds my gears” later.

Why am I typing at…

*stops to check her phone…*

3:00 AM ON THE DOT??

Well, it’s to type about my dreams!

Not the dreams that are on my NOTORIOUS list…

(wait wasn’t I working on throwing that list away?)

*Please excuse me as I currently have the attention span of a gnat…it must’ve been the bulletproof coffee I was sipping on this afternoon…*

Every now and again I have these dreams. They are vivid and the nightmares are the ones that really stick with me.

Are nightmares just dreams that are bad? Or are they in a completely different category??

(See, here I go again…bear with me…I promise this is going somewhere.)

I had a dream/nightmare tonight that woke me out of a sound sleep.  I was with my ex-husband, (no that’s not the reason it was a nightmare…The Lord is delivering me daily from pettiness!) and he was apologizing for hurting me.  He told me that he wanted to make it work, how he was a changed man and now wanted to raise our daughter together.

(Sounds pretty dreamy, right? WRONG.)

In my dream/nightmare, I was taken in by his kind words, his apology, and his sincerity.  Old Courtney came back.  I was thinking “he wasn’t such a bad guy” (which he isn’t) “maybe this is what God wants for us” (Ummm, I’ll take the liberty here and say…hmmm…HIGHLY doubt it!) and in the dream/nightmare, I had a desire to be with him.

I then thought to myself (in the dream/nightmare) “wait, he has a girlfriend…and a new family…ask him how his new family is going to fit into our happily ever after.

and the best part…I actually asked him! (Well, in the dream I did) I didn’t skirt around the issue, in hopes that he would read my mind and my effort and “do right by me.”

This, dear reader, is where it gets weird.

In the dream/nightmare, my ex-husband told me that he was actually planning on living with me and our daughter and that I would basically share him.

Which was what the old Courtney would’ve somehow rationalized and somehow found a way to allow…*where’s my #WakandaForever/NO emoji when I need it?

In the dream/nightmare (it’s actually starting to feel more dreamlike than nightmarish as I type.) I told him I don’t share, and if this was his plan (to split him like an Applebees shared plate) then I was NOT the one!  I told him that I know my worth and am no longer offering discounts…*This should be on a shirt*…somebody, quick. Get on it!

and then it was on like DONKEY KONG…no, seriously.

We were in the video game Donkey Kong (like Nintendo circa 1996) and we were on these mining carts, he was taken captive… and I was trying to save him!

I was dressed like Angelina Jolie in the Tomb Raider series and I was jumping from these speeding mining carts to save my ex-husband from the hands of…

If you know me, you guessed “IT”.

Yes, IT…like the Stephen King clown that tormented me from fourth grade until…(let’s just say I don’t do clowns).

I was really scared now…I DO NOT DO THAT MOVIE!! It really gives me the heeby-jeebies!

When I used to have nightmares I never had the strength to wake up from them.  I would feel so paralyzed by where my thoughts were taking me that I would just be stuck enduring the torment in my dreams/nightmares and could only wake up when I was just about to be eaten, shot, falling off a cliff, sliced and diced, or whatever.

That clown told me that if I really believed that my ex-husband was being honest and sincere about wanting to be with me then he’d let him go…and, in the end, I couldn’t say that I believed he was and the clown took him away and I stopped pursuing.

Then I woke up.

Weird, right?

No slicing, no dicing, no fairy tale, nothing but an impact…

*Now I am not saying that I have the power of interpreting dreams like Joseph.  I am saying that The Holy Spirit is in me and I believe that my Heavenly Father is guiding me along a path to increased strength in Him.  I believe that when you are building and fostering that relationship with God through Jesus and reading the Bible, you will acquire wisdom AND understanding.  I also believe in discernment and that God can and (when He chooses) will give confirmation, through people, experiences, and yes, dreams.

I’ve had dreams in the past that I made connections to in my life.  Like the one that revealed my ex-husband’s deception weeks before he shared it with me.  Or the one where my fears followed me when I left my ex and moved back to my hometown…seriously, it gets deep.

This dream reminded me of all the things I’ve been fretting over for the past…FOREVER.

*some of which I will list below for transparency’s sake* PRAISE DANCE FOR GOD AND HIS DELIVERANCE THROUGH CHRIST JESUS!!

  1. Falling back into the need-to-feel-loved trap
  2. Making “my plans” an idol in my life
  3. Allowing my fears to dictate my faith walk
  4. Not trusting the truth when I know it
  5. Doubting what God has for me
  6. Constructing my own solutions to answer my own prayer
  7. Being/Playing the victim

That dumb clown, the fear of being alone, as a single mother, jumping through hoops to salvage something because I’m ultimately afraid of what life will look like without it, my temptation to discount my worth to bargain basement prices…HONEY HONEY HONEY…I WILL NOT CONTINUE THAT NIGHTMARISH CYCLE!  I declare in Jesus’ name I am DELIVERED!!!

I am so incredibly grateful for where I am today.  I am walking towards the purpose God has for me and refusing to be paralyzed by fear.

I pray that God is nudging you through the Holy Spirit and that you are growing in faith.  Have you had dreamares? *You like how I just made that up right? How are you doing?


Genesis 31:11

Daniel 2:3

Job 7:14

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