Just so we’re clear…this post may not inspire anyone.
Just so we’re clear…this post may make you judge me.
Just so we’re clear…this post is as real as they come.
If you’re ready for some realness, scroll on.
I am currently in a space where I am feeling pretty blah.
There are times where I laugh, my daughter is a joy, and I like going to work.
So why am I so blah?
Where have I been hiding? In a shame box, in a box filled with emotions, heartbreak, confusion, and just plain feeling “stuck”.
It started around my last post in September, Shortly after my birthday and right before Hurricane Irma.
I was wanting so badly to move forward. I had spent so much of the last school year preparing for the battle of divorce and starting to just focus on my “new normal” that now that it was finally here (a new school year and a “fresh” start) and I froze.
And then my grandmother passed. I was sad, really sad, emotionally I felt numb. I didn’t want to open my Bible or pray and to this day, it’s a struggle.
Then here came the shame…
I started to really feel bad when a week went by and I hadn’t opened my physical Bible outside of Church and Bible Study, (yes, I read Scripture daily but my heart wasn’t in it.)
Then, another week went by.
And then my uncle passed. He had just given the eulogy at my grandmothers home going service.
I didn’t feel like sharing the joy of Jesus. I was sad that I wasn’t “strong enough” to stay in the word with the same fire and passion as I had before.
I wasn’t mad at God. I was still smiling and grateful to be surrounded by my family and friends. But spiritually, I was just lukewarm…
You know where I’m going with this…
In Revelation 3:16 Jesus says “But since you are like lukewarm water, neither hot nor cold, I will spit you out of my mouth!”.
Maaaaaaaaan! Now THAT Scripture kept coming to me.
Where was my passion for the word? I ain’t trying to be lukewarm…AT ALL.
But that’s where I was.
I can’t remember a time since I’ve started chasing Jesus, that I’ve felt lukewarm.
There have been times where I’ve filled “my” to-do list with so much stuff that I didn’t spend as much time with God as I should’ve.
There have been times where I’ve fallen asleep during my devotional time.
There have been times where I’ve spent more time scrolling instagram and in my LSAT books than I have giving God praise.
And I felt bad about it. I’ve been out of balance. Feeling like everyday is just another day to “get through”.
But this, this was different. I read my devotional and seemingly felt little connection with the word of God.
Then I felt like I had no right to share this on the blog. So I just let the draft sit here.
Partly, because I didn’t know how to share my “lukewarmness” without feeling like it messed with “MY” testimony.
I just got over this divorce (or so I thought) I was “SUPPOSED” to be moving on in God’s purpose for me!
And now, the desire to dig into the word; to go beyond “just” reading my devotional was not there.
How can I write about this?
At first weeks went by without publishing, then it turned into months, then I got to the point where I was running the old record in my head…
Here you go.
Another one bites the dust.
Something else to start and not finish.
Your heart isn’t in it.
The last few months I haven’t been passionate about much. I just threw myself deeper into mothering, working, and studying.
I didn’t know what to do to get unstuck.
What do you do to get fired up?
I’ve just been forcing myself to read more scripture, to listen to more sermons, to practice more gratitude, to apply the word to my life.
I was going to apologize for being so “meh” but there is no need for apologies.
I just needed to share the truth about how I’ve been feeling and I’ll surely keep you all posted as the furnace grows hotter.
I REFUSE to be lukewarm.