Truth and ramblings…

IMG_8882What do you do when you know the truth but aren’t ready for the consequences of it?

I will admit that I spend a lot of time dissecting the past decade of my life.  I imagine it’s a tape replaying. Mentally, I replay what I see as crucial moments in life and wonder what would have happened if I said or did something different.  I figure I’m not the only one who does this.

What happens if we continuously do this? Agonizing over the past, while unable or unwilling to fully accept, embrace, and enjoy the present, is NOT what I want.

I’ve started going to therapy! (okay, so it’s only been ONE session…but that’s progress!!)

And my therapist asked me, “what do I want to get out of therapy?”  I was actually without words (can you imagine?).

I wasn’t sure.  I know I don’t want to go into law school with the same baggage that I’ve got.

I want to make the most of this gap year.

I want to embrace the truth of what God sees in me, so that in turn I can help others do the same.

We view our past mistakes through the lens of our intentions…we view the mistakes of others through the lens of the aftermath. What would life be like if we let go of past mistakes and moved forward in Christ?  If we approached each day as a new start and each mistake as an opportunity to get closer to Jesus and strive to be more like him?

How do you reconcile the truth with the truth of others?  Can both truths coexist and be so extremely different and both be the truth?  I’m trying not to get philosophical here but these are thoughts that I used to spend a great deal of my time and energy trying to make sense of.

It’s funny how with hindsight I can exercise so much wisdom.  How often did I willfully walk in the fog of my desires, thinking I’m pursuing the TRUTH? Why do I willfully ignore the truth? What am I so afraid of?

There are so many parts of me that still want to blame my past relationships for my current emotional state…

The inadequacies, the doubts, the resentment, and the anger.  I want to blame those circumstances (and the person) for rejecting me.  I want to…but it wouldn’t do me a bit of good.  Focusing on deflecting, projecting, and placing blame only keeps me bound.  Bound in fear of the future. Bound in the fear of being rejected again.  Building the shield of armor to “protect” myself from allowing anyone to “make me feel” this way ever again.  Shutting me off from the possibility of truly accepting the truth.

Why is it easier to hold on to the lie?  To walk in bondage, instead of freedom is such a crazy notion.

Yet, here I stand.

The truth is I am fiercely loved.

I am accepted.

I am free.

In Christ.

And so are you.

So I revisit the question at the start of this post. What do you do when you know the truth but aren’t ready for the consequences of it?  What are the consequences of believing the GOD HONEST TRUTH about who we are in Christ?

Just some thoughts…

-Courtney

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